


These Hearts They Race from Self-Control

by vogue91



Category: Amuse
Genre: Anal Sex, Fights, Fluff, M/M, Moving In Together
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-22
Updated: 2018-03-22
Packaged: 2019-04-06 11:29:18
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,917
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14056023
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vogue91/pseuds/vogue91
Summary: “I’m not saying I don’t like it or something. Kami, these past days have been...” again, he didn’t finish his sentence; instead, he blushed. “What I mean is that I need a teeny, tiny break. To rest and gain back my strengths. To live like a normal person, maybe set foot outside, reply to the e-mails. Hasn’t it seemed to you like you’ve done nothing these three days?”





	These Hearts They Race from Self-Control

Kimito felt like about to faint.

It was a pleasant feeling, despite everything: perhaps that was his problem, it was all _too_ pleasant.

He felt Soichi on him, he felt his lips and his hands moving so fast that he could feel him everywhere, almost a torture.

He breathed quicker and quicker while he tried to keep his pace, but as soon as he managed to touch him, to kiss him, the elder started again looking for unexplored parts of his skin, driving him completely crazy.

“So... Soichi.” he was forced to call him, panting, and hearing his name called with such a desperate voice made the other man stop.

He leant on his elbows, lifting up and smiling to him, guilty.

“What is it?” he asked, arching his eyebrows.

Kimito wished he could’ve looked bothered, but as much as he could try he already knew he couldn’t.

“I told you when we’ve woken up.” he turned to the nightstand, looking at the clock. “Less than an hour ago. I’m not giving in, I’m going home today.”

Hirama snorted, pulling back and sitting on the mattress, in between his legs.

“Come on, Kimi... when is it going to happen again to have a free week? We should enjoy every second of it, don’t you think so?”

Totani sighed, sitting up himself.

“I know. I know. You already made your argument. It’s _three days_ you make the same argument.” he couldn’t hide a smile while he got closer, intertwining their legs. “But I’ve been here three days and three nights, I’m all out of clean underwear and clothes. I haven’t checked my mail. Really, So-chan, I just need to go home for a while. Perhaps doing the laundry and having a decent meal.” he hinted not so subtly at the three days in a row of pizza, precooked ramen and leftovers. “And to sleep without anyone to jump me in the middle of the night.” he went on, mocking him.

Once again, Soichi snorted.

“I can lend you some underwear while I wash yours. And I can make a quick stop to the conbini to buy something to eat. I can cook lunch, you know I’m not that bad. And...” he grimaced, shrugging. “And no sex until you say so. I promise. Come on, don’t leave.” he asked, letting his fingertips slip from the palm of his hand to his arm, then his shoulder and his face, pulling him closer.

He rested his forehead against his, tilting his head to kiss him.

Kimito surrendered easily to the kiss, because he had no intention to resist to that.

It was when Soichi’s hands were back on him and when he opened his lips and started biting him softly that he pulled back abruptly.

“Soichi!” he complained, bringing his knees to his chest, leaving no room for contact. “See? It’s impossible to be in the same room without...” he paused, seeing his boyfriend’s sad look. He rolled his eyes theatrically, gesturing him to get closer. “I’m not saying I don’t like it or something. Kami, these past days have been...” again, he didn’t finish his sentence; instead, he blushed. “What I mean is that I need a teeny, tiny break. To rest and gain back my strengths. To live like a normal person, maybe set foot outside, reply to the e-mails. Hasn’t it seemed to you like you’ve done nothing these three days?” he asked, hoping.

But Soichi shrugged, not convinced at all.

“No. I was with you, I... I’m good when we’re together. I don’t miss anything.”

His voice was sad, and Kimito didn’t know whether it was on purpose or not, but as a result he felt horribly guilty.

He wasn’t the romantic kind of guy. Or better: he could also be, inside, but he was never going to be able to express what he felt the same way Soichi did, who had never shown any kind of hardship telling him how much he loved him, how good he felt with him.

“I’m good too when we’re together. You know that” he pointed out, but still the elder didn’t look convinced. “I just need to be home for a few hours. I’m not leaving right away, I can go after lunch. How about that?” he asked, trying to sound enthusiastic.

Soichi shrugged again, leaning against the wall.

“Fine. If you really want to go I can’t keep you, can I?” he said, doing nothing to mask his disappointment.

Kimito sighed, kneeling on the mattress in front of him.

“Fine. So, where were we before we started talking?” he asked nonchalant, leaning in on him and kissing him, trying to distract him the best he could.

“I thought you said no sex.”

Kimito smiled, malicious, and shrugged.

“You said that, not me.” he murmured, going lower to kiss his chest, never losing eye contact.

And it didn’t take much for Soichi to melt, but he didn’t do it completely.

He wasn’t with him a hundred percent, Kimito felt it and had to admit it was all his fault.

 

*

 

Once opened the door, Kimito sighed.

He looked around lost, as if he couldn’t recognize his own apartment.

Those past three days had truly disoriented him, it wasn’t an excuse used with his boyfriend to leave.

He sighed again, thinking about Soichi.

He hadn’t been particularly cheerful for the rest of the morning: they’d had sex again, but somehow Kimito felt it had been different than the other times.

It was really nothing more than sex, and Soichi had tried his best to let him see that.

He abandoned the shoes in the foyer, getting rid of his clothes while he went to the bathroom, and once inside he opened the shower’s door, tired, letting the water run until it was warm.

He let go a satisfied moan once he finally was under the spray, and kept motionless for a few moments before actually starting showering.

He was tired, more than he should be after having spent three days holed up at Soichi’s doing basically nothing.

Soichi couldn’t understand that, really, that he wasn’t able to forget everything that went on outside, to be with him without thinking about all those little things that added up to his everyday life.

He brushed a hand through his wet hair, grimacing.

He was tired of disappointing him, to always pass for the one who didn’t care about their relationship; tired of being incapable of letting him see how much he actually loved him.

Once he was done with the shower he wrapped himself in a towel, then he went picking up the clothes he had scattered throughout the house and those he had brought back from Soichi’s, putting them inside the washing machine and letting it run.

Just then, going to the kitchen, he called the elder.

 _“Are you there? It took you a while, I was worried.”_ were the words Soichi greeted him with.

Kimito sighed for the umpteenth time, closing his eyes.

“I showered before calling you and I did the laundry. Now I think I’ll cook something.”

There was a silence on the other side of the phone, and Kimito didn’t need to ask why.

“What are you planning to do now?” he asked, forcing him to replu.

He could see him clearly, half-laying on the bed while he shrugged, frowning.

“ _Nothing much. I think I’ll tidy the place up and then I’ll eat something too.”_ he answered, unwillingly.

Kimito opened the cupboard, took some soba out and went to turn on the stove under a pot full of water.

“Maybe I should’ve asked you to lunch, if you tell me that you will ‘eat something too’ with that voice. And to think you’re the one who usually has to make sure that I eat.” he joked, trying to lighten up the conversation.

 _“Don’t worry. I’m not particularly hungry, that’s all._ ”

“Fine. Okay, now I’ll fix something up, I finish to wash and dry the clothes and then I’ll take a nap. When are we meeting?” he asked, trying to highlight the last words, hoping that at least the idea of seeing each other soon would’ve put Soichi in a better mood.

“ _Well, you seemed so happy to go that I don’t see why you should rush coming back, right?”_

Kimito stopped doing everything, deeply irritated by what he’d just heard.

And saddened, perhaps that too, but he had no intention of letting that show.

“Perhaps if better if I call later.” he said, his voice neutral.

_“Yeah. Perhaps it is.”_

“Thank you for understanding, Soichi. Really.”

He hung up without waiting for an answer from him.

He kept still for a little while longer, before throwing the phone on the other side of the room, turning off the burner and going to his bedroom.

He collapsed on the mattress, staring at the ceiling, frowning.

He didn’t understand what he had done wrong, didn’t understand why Soichi couldn’t make the effort of putting himself in his shoes, why he always had to give in to his insecurities, when Kimito’s were enough for both of them.

He sat back up, looking around and trying to think quickly to a solution.

He didn’t want to think too much about it, or he knew the offense would’ve prevailed and he would’ve kept acting cold with his boyfriend; ant that wasn’t an option, not when Soichi had been the first to get mad.

It was right then that he thought about a solution.

A smile appeared on his face, becoming wider gradually as he kept thinking about the details and what he should’ve done to solve the problem once and for all, to make Soichi understand that their relationship wasn’t one way, and that he wasn’t the only one to care.

Kimito had all to prove, and for one damn time he had decided not to back out.

Giving definitely up on the idea of lunch, he stood up and opened his closet.

At the moment, he had most important things to think about than a decent meal.

 

*

 

When he rang the doorbell, he was nervous enough.

He hadn’t told Soichi he was coming back, he hadn’t felt like it.

Hearing again that it wasn’t necessary wasn’t going to help much his determination.

He waited a few moments before Soichi came to the door; when he saw the boyfriend his look wasn’t the happiest, but he moved away to let him in.

“I thought you were going to stay home tonight.” he pointed out, without greeting him.

Kimito shrugged, taking off his shoes and wearing his slippers, preceding the host in the living room.

“I told you, do the laundry and rest. An afternoon seems enough for it, doesn’t it?” he sighed, sitting on the couch. “You’re the one who overreacted for something so insignificant.”

Soichi licked his lower lip, annoyed.

Kimito didn’t care much, after all. He had come prepared for the elder to be mad at him, and had no intention of holding back to avoid the fight.

He wanted everything to be perfectly clear, without Soichi thinking he had won easily.

“I didn’t get mad because you wanted to do laundry, Kimito.” he said, calling him on purpose with his full name. “I got mad because it was something you could’ve done here, and because it wasn’t necessary for you to go home. What should I think? You’ve insisted so much that the only thing I could think of was that you wanted...” he paused, blushing slightly. “That you wanted to take some hours off. From me, I mean.”

Kimito knew that this was coming, since that morning, but hearing it still hurt.

It was the worst thing to think, it was something he would’ve never wanted for him to feel, but he still didn’t know how to reply to the accusation. Probably, in his place and with the same insecurities as him, it was something he could’ve thought as well.

“You’re an idiot.” he reproached him wholeheartedly. “You can’t honestly think I want to take a break from you. You know how I feel, don’t you? I wouldn’t be with you if I felt that need.” he scolded him, leaning against the backrest and sighing. “Are you mad?” he asked after a few moments, his voice become softer.

Soichi sat as well, raising his knees and settling in the corner, looking at his boyfriend in the eyes.

It took him a while to answer, and in the end he sighed.

“I am.” he admitted. “I don’t like feeling like this, you know it. I don’t like feeling insecure, and I don’t like not understanding why you act a certain way.” he went on, before the other could reply. “I know you don’t do it out of spite, that you’re not the kind of guy to open up and speak about what he feels. But sometimes I wish you could, Kimi. With me, just with me, you could try it.”

Kimito blushed; he didn’t know how to react or defend himself, because he knew all too well he was right.

“I love you.” he said in the end, shrugging as to apologise for not being able to tell him more. “I really love you, So, and this to me should be enough to make all well. I know you can’t understand it, because you’re different and you act different, but...” he got closer, on his knees, and leant forward, resting his chin on Soichi’s legs to be on the same level as his eyes. “I’m sorry. Truly. I’m sorry I’m not capable of making myself clear, and I’m sorry for any time this hurts you.” he sighed, smiling to him. “But, if it can be of any consolation, I’ve got the solution to the problem we’ve faced today.”

Soichi seemed to ignore his last words, and reached toward him to grab his wrist, stretching his legs and pulling him closer, making him lay on top of him.

“Kimi.” he said, brushing his hair, then his face, kissing him. “You’re right.” he said once he pulled away. “I know you love me, and it does make it all well.” he kissed again, shutting up any protest, going on until he saw Kimito trying to react, kissing him back, pulling up and moaning when Soichi reached under his shirt, caressing his skin.

He thrust involuntarily his hips against Soichi’s, letting go against him, moving so that he could take his shirt off and kissing him again, but a few seconds later he pulled away, irritated.

“Soichi!” he scolded him, shaking his head and sitting back on the couch.

“What?”

“I was trying to tell you something important and you were trying to...” he stopped, crossing his arms. “You’re the worst.”

Soichi chuckled, guilty, getting close and taking his hands.

“I’m sorry, I was distracted. Please, tell me. I’m all ears.”

“Fine.” Kimito seemed to lose all his confidence. He had prepared a whole speech, that inside his head seemed to be perfect, but he seemed to have forgotten it. Because of Soichi’s presence, because of that arousal the other one had caused him, he was incapable of remembering what he wanted to say. “Well, yes, it’s about the fact that today I went home.”

“I thought we were past that.”

Totani nodded, biting his lower lip.

“Yeah, I know. But think about the next time is going to happen. And the next one and the next one. You want me to stay here and I don’t want to go. So, the way I see it, there’s just one solution.”

He had done better than he thought.

It was what he had meant to say, without exposing himself too much and letting him draw his own conclusions; he looked at him smiling, as to want him to understand without him having to add anything else.

“So?” Soichi asked instead, looking confused.

Kimito sighed, frustrated.

“Come on, Soichi. You can make it. If we want to keep being together, without me having to go back to _my place_...” he marked the words, then snorted. “Come on, ask it!” he exclaimed in the end, clawing the palm of his hands.

Soichi looked at him, and after a few more seconds he straightened his back, opening his eyes wide.

He’d finally got it, no doubt about that.

“And why do you want it to be me to ask?” he asked, smiling to him.

Kimito blushed violently, shrugging.

“Because. Because it should be you asking me, shouldn’t it?”

“But you’re the one who wants it, right?”

Those words hit the younger one like a punch in the stomach, and he hurried taking back what he had just said.

“Of course. It’s me, it’s clear. So if you don’t want to let’s pretend I didn’t say a thing and stay this way. It doesn’t change anything to me, of course.”

Soichi burst out laughing, unable to hold back, and once again he took his face in his hands and kissed him.

“Totani Kimito.” he murmured when they split, staying just a few inches from his face. “Will you come and live with me?”

Kimito would’ve liked to get mad at him for having made him work so hard for it, for having let him doubt, he would’ve liked to curse him and tell him to screw it.

But that question, even though expected, made with that voice and that look in his eyes, was enough to make him forget everything else.

“Of course I will.” he answered, his voice shivering. “Of course I want to, So.”

“Very well. Now that we’re done with the formalities...” he arched his lips in a malicious smile, getting even closer to force Kimito to lay back, settling in between his legs. “Can I please have my way with you?”

Kimito didn’t deem necessary to answer; instead, he preferred kiss him again, and taking it back exactly where they had stopped, feeling a different atmosphere.

He wanted Soichi, he physically needed him, he wanted him on his body, feeling him touching him, kissing him, taking him.

And he wanted to go on like that for the rest of his life, because if he could’ve kept being where he was, then he knew that they were finally going to find that balance they desperately needed, leaving no room for incomprehension or insecurity.

He took his shirt off, and when the elder let him room to move his arms he went with his hands down to his pants, letting a hand slip under the boxers and wrapping his fingers around his shaft, seeing him closing his eyes shut and clawing the fabric of the couch, as if he was having trouble keeping himself up that way.

Soichi let him do as a pleased just for a few moments, before pulling back as much as he needed to get rid of the remaining clothes, kneeling between his legs and caressing his legs over the slacks, teasing him a bit before taking them off.

Kimito closed his eyes, focusing solely on what he was feeling.

Soichi caressed him slowly, up his legs and to the hips, down his groin and ending up on his erection, brushing it under his fingertips, deserving all of his moans.

“Soichi...” he complained, opening his eyes to see his boyfriend back on him, attacking his neck with his tongue and his teeth, while he let his hand roam to his mouth, pushing for him to open his lips.

Kimito didn’t want to play and tease him, as opposed to him, and without further ado he started wetting his fingers with his tongue, wrapping his lips around them, trying to be both efficient and to turn him on, barely smiling when he felt him fidget and thrust his hips against him in an uncontrolled movement.

When he let him go, Soichi brought the same hand between his legs to his opening, and Kimito forced himself to close his eyes again, relishing that feeling like never before.

He felt one of the elder’s fingers making way easily inside of him, and he felt him kissing him again, as to distract him, careful not to hurt him.

Kimito opened his legs wider, meeting his hand to tell him that he was okay, that he could take it further, that he wanted it; and Soichi added another finger to the first one, moving them faster and deeper, and he stopped kissing him, too busy to stare captivated at his face.

He kept preparing him for a few more minutes, before slipping the fingers out and settling between his legs, bringing Kimito’s thigh against his hip.

“Kimi...” he murmured, caressing his face, kissing him again.

“Go, So.” he answered, raising his hips and rolling his head back when he felt the first thrust.

Soichi was going slow, and he could feel him better than ever, he felt his body opening to accommodate him, he felt his heart in flames, burning for how fast it was beating right now.

When he was completely inside of him they both stayed still, but it lasted only a few seconds before Kimito asked him to start moving, anxious to feel him again, deep inside, as best as he could.

Soichi didn’t deny it, and pulled almost all the way out, thrusting back in, closing his eyes, wrapped in that suffocating heat.

Kimito wrapped his hands around his neck, trying to set the rhythm with him, moving against his cock, desperately searching all the contact he could have with his body.

Soichi let a hand go south, little helped by the position, and he brought it around his cock, moving it quickly, holding him tight, and Kimito couldn’t take it anymore.

He let go completely to that feeling of absolute pleasure, forced to let Soichi go and collapsing against the couch, coming with a high moan, mixed with the elder’s name.

Soichi never stopped moving, and the younger one felt his eyes on him, and lacking any control over himself he went faster and harder, and it didn’t take him much to come as well inside him, leaning down to kiss him to suffocate any moan inside Kimito’s mouth.

A few seconds later and, with a certain disappointment, Kimito felt him slip out of him and find some room next to him, letting him rest his forehead on his shoulder.

“Want to go to bed or you’d rather stay here?” Soichi murmured in his ear as soon as he’d gained back his breath, brushing his hip lazily.

“Here.” Kimito answered, mumbling. “I can’t get up. And I should get off of you. Don’t want to.”

Soichi burst out laughing and nodded.

“You don’t’ have to.” he reassured him. “You don’t have to go anywhere without me. This is your home too, after all.”

Kimito opened his eyes, turning to face him.

“Our home.” he said, smiling, rolling on his hip and hiding between the elder’s arms. “I love you, So.” he murmured, abandoned in that hold.

“I love you too, Kimi. I love you like I’ve never loved anyone before, you know that.” he sighed, kissing his forehead. “I never want to let you go again.”

The younger one didn’t answer, too tired or too embarrassed to do so.

He could give in to sleep, at ease in that hug, at ease at the thought that he had nowhere else to be.

That was his home, now.

Together with Soichi, between his arms.  


End file.
